Some Days

SHALLOW by Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

2nd try

Two things happened today:

I watched A Star is Born for the first time.

And I my chronic invisible illness decided to flare.

I’m currently in so much physical pain, every joint feels like it’ll never work again, it’s agony on my feet to walk to the bathroom, my wrists are screaming at me while I try to write this.

My ribs hurt so badly it hurts to breathe and to cry … and yet, the tears don’t stop pouring down my face.

I’m also in an extreme amount of emotional pain.

There’s a reason I didn’t watch A Star is Born until today … it’s personal for me.

I lived for a long time thinking:

if I could just keep rescuing them (a person I love dearly), from themselves and their destruction – if I just cleaned up this one next mess, I would be loved, I would be worthy.

But the truth was that I was never going to do enough … be enough.

And there was never going to be one last mess, one last rescue or one last threat of suicide.

In the end, I had to choose me. And that choice broke my heart every day for so many years.

So yeah, I knew A Star is Born was always going to be a hard watch.

But I was surprised by how unglued the triggers made me feel. I didn’t realise that I would be taken right back to reliving my own experiences.

I’ve known that the song Shallow always hits different. I always felt some kind of deep emotion when hearing it.

After watching the film I know why.

Damn it was really hard to sing this song tonight.

And the 3rd try broke me. I ended up crying towards the end of it, so not the best recording. But I’ll post it anyway, because I think there’s beautiful in the broken.

Some days are harder than others.

Today was/is one of those days.

Hope tomorrow is better.

Take care of you.

🌑💜