SHALLOW by Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper 2nd try Two things happened today: I watched A Star is Born for the first time. And I my chronic invisible illness decided to flare. I’m currently in so much physical pain, every joint feels like it’ll never work again, it’s agony on my feet to walk to […]
Don’t get down on yourself today.
Give yourself a little give today.
You don’t have to master anything today.
You don’t even have to master trying, today.
You know what? Today just might not be your day.
We all have those days. Most people don’t have too many of those days back-to-back, others do.
I’ve had a seriously shitty five fucking years now. I mean a SERIOUSLY fucking shitty back-to-back five years.
And most days I’ve been able to find at least one thing I’m grateful for.
I feel like gratitude just helps me remember hope.
And hope is kryptonite to today’s-not-your-day.
Or for the last five years not being your five years.
So gratitude is something that reminds me of hope. But it might not be your thing that helps you find hope.
But my thought here, for y’all to take in or to not take in, is that you might want to find something or some things that are your reminder of hope.
Today doesn’t have to be your day.
But when you have hope, you have hope for better days than today.
And that hope of better days conjures up feelings of excitement and curiosity. And that excitement and curiosity provokes thoughts of what experiences lay ahead in new days, in better days, in days where open possibility lay.
That’s the stuff that helps it not be such a bad thing for today to not be your day.
DO NOT GET ME WRONG HERE!
I am not suggesting for one second that finding a way to remember hope on your bad days means you don’t still feel shitty about the current storm you’re in.
I’m not selling some form of recycled bullshit optimism, here. Or any new forms of bullshit optimism.
Not that I have anything against optimism. Optimism can be awesome. I’m a hideously optimistic person, myself. It took a shit load of seriously fucked up moments/days/nights/weeks/months (during my five not-my-years) to break my optimism. And it still didn’t break completely. But now, what was my armour of optimism, has a heap of bullet holes in it, and cracks and tears at the seams from the battle I’ve been fighting.
So now, I can still see optimism. But I can also see through the bullet holes, cracks and tears. I can see through them to my damaged reality. I’m frequently forced to just exist in my damaged reality … with no armour at all.
The thing about optimism, and ‘positivity’ is that I think there is so much pressure on us all to be happy people. Don’t let anyone see that your life sucks a bag, now and then.
There’s this feeling that you’ll be outcasted. Thrown from the tribe of humanity, if you’re not shitting rainbows every fucking day, if you admit that you only served the kids baked beans for dinner and that rather than feeling guilty, you found it soothingly hilarious that their classmates were going to suffer the consequences the next day, or if you dare to enter the realm of self-love/hate and admit that when you look in the mirror you don’t like what you see or you DO like what you see (you can’t win with that one!)
The world tells us that nothing is out of reach if we just have a positive attitude. And I’m calling bullshit on that one. Actually I’m knowing bullshit on that one.
I don’t want people to feel bad for not feeling good. I see it everywhere. And it makes me sad.
So I think maybe we could separate hope and optimism.
I don’t think that your hope needs to coexist with optimism.
You don’t need to be optimistic to hope.
And it’s okay to feel hope but no optimism.
I’ve had five shitty years. I’m into my sixth.
And whilst there was some relief when I finally surrendered to the fact that this is just the hand I’m playing with right now and I only have so much control over my life at the moment.
At the same time it was tormentingly harrowing when I initially felt completely empty of optimism at times, and when I tried to find it but all I found was physical pain and emotional loss, sometimes devoid of the ability to see the point to anything anymore.
That’s the loneliest place I’ve ever visited.
But at some point I started to find things that reminded me of hope. And it is those reminders and hope, that save me. Every. Single. Day.
That I could be in such a dark place, and still see hope at the same time. I can FEEL something terrible, but SEE something okay, maybe good even, but not need to feel optimistic, was a massive load off, and helped me to be a little kinder to myself.
If you try to feel optimistic when it’s just not your day/week/year, you can end up just feeling worse. You can feel like you’re failing.
So if today isn’t your day. That’s okay.
You’re not failing.
Don’t get down on yourself.
(If it helps and it’s consensual, maybe let someone else get down on you today?)
Give yourself a little give today.
(Damn! Amazing how fast this post went from sympathetic to sexual.)
In all seriousness, if today wasn’t your day, if you fed your kids baked beans for dinner, and you shat a regular shit … that didn’t look anything the fuck like a rainbow.
I don’t want you to worry. I know I can’t control how anyone else feels. But I still want everyone to feel okay with themselves.
If this isn’t your moment. You’re not failing.
If today isn’t your day. You’re not failing.
If this week isn’t your week. You’re not failing.
If you feel invisible. I want you to know I am thinking of you now.
If you feel it’s never going to end. I wish I could tell you it will end, but I can’t. But I do want you to know that I completely understand you, I know what that feels like. I feel it on the regular.
The thing I wish the most for you, though, is that you can find some hope. And what reminds you of hope. Because if find those, you just might feel a little better about this day that wasn’t yours.
But if you just can’t feel hope. Or feel that all hope is lost. I want you to know, I’m hoping for you now.
I am hoping for better days ahead for you.